Last year, my boyfriend bought me a GRE study guide so that I would finally stop talking about graduate school and just start working towards it. I spent three months preparing for the test and $160 to take it, and it did not go as well as I’d hoped. I spent the next five months preparing my graduate school admission materials – stalking teachers for letters of recommendation, writing a statement of purpose and a personal history statement, speaking to professors in the program. I applied in early October to one school and banked my hopes on it, knowing that the chances were slim and that I had other options if I didn’t get in, but living life as if I would.

I didn’t get in.

This is another in a long line of failed dreams. It’s really frustrating to watch everyone around me get everything I’ve worked so hard for so easily – and in less time than I spend. I don’t know why I can’t seem to break out of the rut I’m in, but each time I get a rejection of this magnitude, or each time I start a new career path, I have to create a new path on my blank slate. This week I don’t have a list of truths, just this one:

1. I’m tired of rebuilding my blank slate, but I WILL color it in someday.

I’m thinking about reapplying next year, but it’s not my priority. My priority is to change my toxic environment. My priority is to accept that I don’t know if I have truly long-term goals, but I have long-term skills and that’s enough for now. My priority is to bring enjoyment back into my life instead of bringing in more stress. My priority is to get out of my depression. We’ll see where life goes from there.

When have you had to rebuild your dreams? What is your current life priority?

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