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No TV Tuesday post today – sorry lovelies! It’s a crazy hectic day of training my replacement, dental appointments, secret shops, and library pick-ups. Or just singular on all of those things. But I won’t leave you with nothing.

As I was talking to the lovely Kate today, we got around to the topic of evolving food preferences:

Katelyn:  My tastes have evolved. I like things I used to hate.
Me: Same here. Except mayonnaise. My fierce hatred of mayonnaise has only grown stronger. It was like cat pissed off fierce before. It’s like raptor fierce now.
Katelyn: That is amazing.

I really hate mayonnaise.

Boyfriend was aiming to get a job, but just found out that they’re no longer hiring, so he’s back to square one. I was discussing options with the amazing Kates and she had some helpful advice:

Me: I’m not sure what he’s going to do for work now. He doesn’t love dealing with people.

Kate: He should become an obituary writer. He wont have to deal with people (well he will, but they are dead). And he can write!

Hate people? It’s okay, they’re dead!

Maybe that shouldn’t be his tagline.

Ever hear those crazy people who claim to have the cure for this or know the absolute answer to that? I’m one of those crazies today. You may notice that each item pertains to a different part of life. I planned that. Here are my secrets to some of the world’s most common plaguing problems:

My secret to…quelling job interview nerves: I blare music in the car and sing as loud as possible on my way to the interview. For some reason, singing has a tendency to calm me down or release energy. Plus you get the chance to rock out, and that’s always a good time. As much as I love public transportation, that’s one of the upsides to owning a car – it’s quite a bit awkward when you start belting out music on the subway.

My secret to…curing hiccups: Two words – lemon juice. I know everyone has all these various methods to cure hiccups and “they work absolutely every single time” for some people and not at all for the rest of society, but drinking lemon juice straight has almost always worked for me. The rare time it failed, I drank water upside-down on stairs and that worked. Of course, there were…repercussions to that one.

My secret to…not overspending at the store: I actually have two ways to combat overspending. I used to spend way too much money, and truthfully, I still do. But I maintain a strict budget that allows me to monitor my spending, so I’ve gotten better about it. That’s not my secret, though. When I started my budget, I realized I had to find ways to avoid spending so much money on things I didn’t need, so I incorporated two rules. First, if I’m not sure on the purchase, I’ll wait three days before buying it. If I really like it, I’ll still be thinking about it three days later. Second, I put it in my cart and walk around the store with it for at least half an hour. By then, I’ve either convinced myself it’s not necessary or it’s a worthwhile purchase.

My secret to…getting rid of that annoying stranger: Lily Allen was right – there are times that someone comes up to you while you’re out for the night or even just out and about and you just cannot get rid of them. It doesn’t matter how many times you say you’re not interested, you’re not available, etc., they stick on you like white on rice. How do you get rid of them? This one requires a friend. When all else fails, grab your friend and start talking to her/him instead. It’s rude, yes, but not as rude as forcing your conversation on someone who has repeatedly said they aren’t interested.

My secret to…getting to places on time: I’m the one who’s always late. Or I was, until I started incorporating my secret into my life. I set all of my key clocks ahead 10-15 minutes. Okay, it’s not a secret, but it really does work. Even though I know that my clocks are set ahead, I somehow always manage to get to where I need to be on time. It’s always fun when you can trick your own brain.

What are your surefire answers to life’s common plagues?

I hate hornets. HATE. I have an immense irrational fear of wasps and hornets, and I do mean immense. I will do whatever it takes to get away from one. I never run as fast as I do when I see a hornet. And of course, hornets LOVE my house. Three more months and then I don’t have to deal with them anymore, but until then, things like this happen…

I go to open the door to move my car into the driveway and there is a hornet BETWEEN MY DOOR AND THE SCREEN DOOR.


Boyfriend: What???

Me: Hornet! BETWEEN THE SCREEN DOOR AND THE DOOR!!! [many expletives]

Boyfriend: Ah. Still have that spray? I’ll go spray the nest.

Five minutes of useless searching for nest go by while I shout unhelpful hints from the safety of the family room window…

Me: They’re evil. Pure evil. If you look in the dictionary, do you know what the definition of hornets is? Evil.

Boyfriend: Is that so?

Boyfriend gets dictionary.

Boyfriend: Here’s the definition of hornet.

Dictionary: Evil (adj.) – 1. morally wrong or bad, immoral, wicked; 2. hurtful, injurious

Uh huh. We also crossed out the definition of hornet and replaced it with: EVIL.

Boyfriend doesn’t use Twitter, but he apparently knows the lingo.

Boyfriend: On twitter, if you posted in the past, you twatted a tweet, you twat. And a quick tweet is called a twit. I twat a twit with my twitter tat. Tat is a computer solely made for twitter. And twot is a past-tense tweet in Boston…okay, I made that last one up.

Me: It’s not twat – it’s tweeted. The bird didn’t twat, silly. Or at least I hope not…that’s kind of gross.

Boyfriend: The bird doesn’t have the ability to twat? What is this world coming to? We can make Google a verb, ironic not what it actually means, and twitter a form of “mine. mine. mine.” So why can we not twitter in the past tense with twat? We met, not meeted! So I say in this bastard language fest we call English, why can we not twat? Twat I say!!

Me: …

It was overwhelming hot in my room last night. It’s just the way our house is in summer. I like summer, but between the hornets that swarm around my house and the oppressive heat in the upstairs room, it can be a bit unbearable. I’m picking up a hornet trap today (take that, evil). See below for an example of how we deal with the heat when overly hyper.

Me: It’s sooo hot up here. Ugh!
Boyfriend: I know. Do you have your other fan?
Me: I have both the ceiling fan and the regular fan on.
Boyfriend: Are they on high?
Me: The regular fan is, the ceiling fan is on the second setting because it rattles when it’s on high. Ugh!
Boyfriend: Get your big fan!
Me: The big fan makes a lot of noise.
Boyfriend: Big fan!
Me: Like, a LOT of noise. Remember?
Boyfriend: Big fannn!
Me: Okay, you go get it!

Boyfriend gets the fan. One minute later…

Boyfriend: There’s a B52 in your room.

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